I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
You Might Also Like
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place