Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
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*offers Batman cough drops*
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Twitter fine art
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”