Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
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I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
are there any atheist mantises?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
“and how does that make you feel?”