Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
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[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Banderslack Clamberdorch
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Mountain Goat : )
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please