I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
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Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.