(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
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In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
I鈥檓 crying im so happy for them
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i鈥檓 going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Everyone at Schr枚dinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 馃ぇ馃檮
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I forgot the word 鈥渢urkey鈥漵o I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?