My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
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YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.