her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
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I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.