Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
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[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —