Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
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Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.