Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
[ouija board]
How are you feeling?
*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-YWhat the!? A cheesy board!?
G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away