[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
You Might Also Like
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Sorry I made promises on Friday
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.