my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
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At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.