The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
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Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.