me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
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You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask