who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
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Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.