What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
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Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
And that about sums it up.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.