[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
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I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell