Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
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The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
My current situation
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.