“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
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saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.