My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
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My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Before crowbars crows drank alone
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe