who called it a toilet and not an IP address
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Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.