[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
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Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”