Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
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[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I mean…but I did
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.