I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
You Might Also Like
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
How did we not see this back then?
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.