I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
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Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him