I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
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Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
cyclists
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
😂💯
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Why does laundry happen to good people?
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?