Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
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*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it