The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
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I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.