Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
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Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Go girl power!
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help