Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
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5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Wife: You were supposed to watch the kids!
Me: I am
Wife: They’re drawing on the walls!
Me: I said I’d watch. I didn’t say I’d intervene.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.