Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
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Ban Viagra, things are hard enough.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Y’all know who you are.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Nomnomnomnom
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.