What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
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*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
I’m aging like a fine banana
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.