This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
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Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
We’ve all been there…
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Not today. 😅
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
three things we don’t talk about
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”