My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
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Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
How do you milk an almond?
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Ah..makes sense now
new wife guy just dropped
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”