Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
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I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.