In Canada they just call them geese
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BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Breaking news:
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.