I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
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I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?