Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
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I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
This was the best day of my life
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.