Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
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You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.