Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
You Might Also Like
the noise i just made
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.