Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
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Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.