Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
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If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Just me and my debit card against the world
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom