Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
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“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.