i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
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My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.