I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
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I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Lmao
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
DISH FATHER: You can NEVER see that spoon again!
*daughter dish starts sobbing*
[outside the window, Spoon is thinking] we leave tonight
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta