Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
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wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.