If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
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Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
we’re dead?
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?