when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
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the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT