Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
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Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
He died doing what he loved: being alive
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.
CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.